


Adventures of the Space Gays™

by mysticpendragon



Series: the fam group chat universe [3]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, Humour, M/M, What even am i writing, because i needed more content with these people in my life, occasional group chatting, or doing with my life, some series 12 spoilers, the Space Gays™, the doctor who spinoff we so desperately need, this actually has a plot, this is fun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22553536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysticpendragon/pseuds/mysticpendragon
Summary: ‘Wait, so let me get this clear,’ Jack said, looking between Clara, Ashildr, Bill, Heather. ‘We all travel through time and space and we’re not straight. So we’re space gays.’A chance meeting on a restaurant that shouldn't exist between Clara Oswald, Bill Potts, Jack Harkness, Heather the Pilot, and Lady Me leads to the formation of the most badass team in all of outer space. Beware, universe – the Space Gays™ are here, and they're ready to kick some Dalek butt and save the world! The Doctor isn't the queer out there saving the world.This fic does provide some background to my other fic 'fam (the group chat)', but you don't need to read it to understand this.
Relationships: Alonso Frame/Jack Harkness, Ashildr | Lady Me/Clara Oswin Oswald, Heather (Doctor Who: The Pilot)/Bill Potts
Series: the fam group chat universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1622644
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	1. Three Immortals Walk Into a Restaurant

The door chime rang in the diner on Pluto as a man in a blue coat walked in, taking a seat and looking around as he realised that the diner wasn’t supposed to be there. There were no diners in 21st century Pluto. At least, not until now.

‘Hello?’ he called out. ‘Anyone there?’

From the backroom, he heard a woman’s voice. ‘Ashildr, could you serve whoever it is that came here?’ A Blackpool accent. The British didn’t colonise Pluto in 2018, did they? Not that he knew of…

And then a young woman, Ashildr, he supposed, walked out of the backroom, stopping in her tracks when she realised that their guest was 1.) very much human and very not alien, and 2.) taking the existence of an American diner on Pluto rather well.

‘Hello,’ he said flirtatiously. ‘Captain Jack Harkness. And you must be Ashildr.’

‘Do I know you?’ she asked, raising her eyebrows at him.

‘I heard your girlfriend say your name,’ he said casually. ‘So do you actually serve any food here?’

‘Captain Jack, Captain Jack… _oh_. You’re the one the Doctor told me I’d run into eventually.’

Jack’s eyes widened in pleasant surprise. ‘The Doctor mentioned me?’

‘Well, yeah. And for your information, no. We don’t really serve anything here. This is a diner in Pluto. How can you be you here?’

‘Little accident with a Weevil, nothing to worry about,’ he shrugged. ‘The real question here is how _you_ can be here?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ the woman from the backroom said, stepping out and drying her hands on a washcloth. ‘What can travel through time and space and disguise itself as anything?’

‘A TARDIS,’ Jack said, the realisation finally coming to him. ‘But how? I thought Gallifrey was gone. And if it fits in, then why is it an American diner? Did your chameleon circuit break?’

The woman shrugged. ‘Basically, yeah. It’s a very long story that starts a long time ago, on a trap street in London with a raven. I’m Clara Oswald, by the way. Been wondering when I’d meet you.’

‘You’re his companion, aren’t you? Former, I guess,’ Jack asked.

Clara smiled sadly as the memories of years and years of running recklessly passed through her head. She habitually felt the side of her neck, still not feeling the heartbeat she hadn’t had for years. ‘Yeah. Travelled with him for a long time, but I… well, died.’

‘Me too,’ he said.

‘Whoa, you guys died too? Me too!’ a voice said from the doorway. Clara, Ashildr, and Jack turned away from where they were towards the door, where an excited woman with dark, frizzy hair stood next to her blonde girlfriend. ‘I’m Bill, by the way. Bill Potts. Who’re you lot, then?’

‘Jack Harkness.’

‘Clara Oswald.’

‘Me.’

‘Yeah, you,’ Bill said. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Me,’ Me insisted.

‘I thought it was Ashildr,’ Jack said.

Me smiled sadly. ‘Another long story.’

‘I’m Heather,’ Bill’s girlfriend said.

‘Why are you two dressed like you’re from the Elizabethan era?’ Jack asked.

‘Long story short, we just attended Queen Elizabeth’s marriage to the Doctor.’

‘No way, really?’ Clara exclaimed excitedly. ‘I was there!’

Bill’s eyes widened in recognition. ‘Oh, so you were the woman with the Doctor! I remember looking at you – past you? And thinking, wow, if I weren’t taken, I’d tap that.’

Clara blushed, and Ashildr and Heather looked slightly jealous. ‘I’d take you up on that if I weren’t taken too.’ She gestured to Ashildr, who placed a kiss on her cheek.

‘So, Captain. You got a girlfriend too?’ Me asked.

‘No, actually. A boyfriend. His name is Alonso. He’s not as keen as I am on having outer space adventures, though.’

‘You know, I feel like the Doctor would like to meet an Alonso,’ Clara said. ‘Then he could tell him, “Allon-sy, Alonso!” or put a fez on his head or insult his brain size, or something like that.’

‘Or lock him in a vault for a century or two,’ Bill said, eliciting a laugh from Heather.

‘Wait, so let me get this clear,’ Jack said, looking between Clara, Ashildr, Bill, Heather. ‘We all travel through time and space and we’re not straight. So we’re space gays.’

‘Oh my God, I love it!’ Bill exclaimed.

‘That sounds like a band,’ Heather laughed. ‘The Space Gays. Now performing in a stadium near you, last week.’

The Space Gays burst into laughter.

‘We need to exchange contacts,’ Clara said suddenly, whipping out her phone and opening a messaging app. She passed it on to Ashildr, who entered her contact information before passing it onto Bill. It ended up back in Clara’s hands and she created a group chat. ‘Check your messages.’

**_< ClaraOswald created the chatroom: Space Gays™>_ **

**_< ClaraOswald added Ashildr and 3 others>_ **

**BillPotts:** whoa this is nice

 **JackHarkness:** i’m digging this ;)

 **Ashildr:** this is my first group chat ever i feel so honoured

 **Heather:** iaoscvijc

 **BillPotts:** i love this already :)

‘Out of curiosity,’ Jack began as everyone put their phones down, ‘how many of us had a thing for the Doctor?’

Only Clara raised her hand. ‘I’m bi and proud of it.’

‘Wait, really? The rest of you are gay?’

‘Not just that, but he was, like, a 60-year-old grandad when I met him,’ Bill said.

‘Same here,’ Ashildr said. ‘I did like a boy once, back when I was a Viking, but… that was so long ago. It’s just been Clara for me for the past three years or so.’

‘Imagine liking men,’ Heather said. ‘No offence to you, Jack.’

‘None taken,’ Jack shrugged.

The restaurant trembled as something hit it. Or Pluto.

‘Did anyone else feel that?’ Bill asked.

Clara nodded. ‘Felt like an earthquake. Or maybe Pluto is like the Moon and it’s waking up.’

‘Sorry, what?’ Heather asked.

‘Long story,’ Clara said. ‘Let’s go to the backroom, see if we can pick something up.’

‘If this is anything like a real restaurant, then the backroom is a kitchen,’ Bill said. ‘What are we going to find in the _kitchen_ that can figure this out?’

Clara and Ashildr exchanged mischievous grins. ‘Good thing this isn’t a real restaurant, then, right?’

And with that, they rushed to the backroom, with Bill, Heather, and Jack following suit. As soon as they stepped inside, they found themselves amazed. This was unlike the Doctor’s TARDIS – Clara and Ashildr seemed to have decorated the console room to their liking. It was nice and homey, with shades of gold and brown not unlike Jack’s Doctor’s. There were couches arranged around the console, with bookshelves not too far from them for a casual day of reading. Amusedly, Bill noted the kitchen within sight of the console room. And then she smelled something burning, taking her out of her wonderment.

‘Is something _burning_?’

‘Oh shit, my souffle!’ Clara exclaimed, running to the kitchen. ‘Me, scan the planet!’

Me, Jack, Bill, and Heather gathered around the TARDIS scanner. Me pressed a few controls, scanning the surface of Pluto in search of anything too out of the ordinary.

‘My vortex manipulator is picking up a few signals,’ Jack said. ‘We’re not alone.’

‘Wait, hold on,’ Heather said, pressing a button. The screen showed a view of outside, where what appeared to be a farmhouse was floating in space, landing on Pluto.

‘Is that – is that a house? Like an actual, proper, _Wizard of Oz_ house?’ Bill exclaimed.

‘We’ve got company,’ Me realised.

Jack and Bill traded matching grins as Ashildr and Heather realised they were about to go on an adventure. Just then, Clara exited the kitchen, holding a burnt souffle.

‘Anyone for some burnt souffle? By the way, what did you find?’

  
  



	2. A Sexy TARDIS Takeover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘So then what else could it be?’ Bill asked.
> 
> ‘A flying house in space,’ Ashildr said, pacing back and forth.
> 
> Clara sighed. ‘Yeah, we established that already.’

Clara, Bill, Me, Heather, and Jack stepped out onto the surface of Pluto. Though they were both immortal, Me and Jack had helmets and space suits on to keep them breathing. Clara, Bill, and Heather, on the other hand, were practically safe from the nitrogenous atmosphere. Rather than bouncing around like proper spacemen, they were able to stand and walk as if they were on Earth; Clara had opted to erect a grav field in the surrounding area.

‘Where’d the house go?’ Clara asked, looking around. She didn’t see anything besides a cluster of rocks that seemed to go into the very ground itself.

The others were having no such luck. ‘Nothing,’ Jack reported. 

‘And you’re all  _ sure _ you saw this flying house?’ Clara asked. 

‘Yes,’ Heather said. ‘We all saw it with our own eyes.’

‘So then what else could it be?’ Bill asked.

‘A flying house in space,’ Ashildr said, pacing back and forth.

Clara sighed. ‘Yeah, we established that already.’

‘A flying house in space is an  _ anomaly _ ,’ she said, jumping, her finger pointed up as a grin of realisation crossed her face, ‘so it has to be a disguise!’

‘For wha – ohhh!’ Clara exclaimed, getting it. ‘Me, you are so bloody brilliant!’

Clara moved to kiss her, bumping into the helmet, eliciting laughs from the rest of the group.

‘So if it  _ is _ a TARDIS,’ Jack began, ‘whose could it be? Besides the Doc, who else has a TARDIS?’

‘Hold on, let me think,’ Clara said. ‘I’ve encountered all sorts of Time Lords, but I have to recall them specifically.’

Bill sighed and began thinking about her own adventures with the Doctor, trying to figure out if he’d mentioned any other Time Lords.

‘No, can’t be the Rani… or the Corsair, he’s gone… the General’s on Gallifrey, the Professor works undercover and wouldn’t have one…’

‘Clara,’ Ashildr started, gently tapping her on the arm. ‘Aren’t you forgetting his best frenemy?’

‘No,’ Jack said, stumbling backwards. ‘No, it can’t be – I saw him die –’

‘It’s the Master,’ Clara frowned bitterly. ‘They never do.’

‘So let me get this straight,’ Bill said –

‘None of us are straight,’ Jack said.

Bill gave him the best murderous glare she could muster. ‘Anyway – as I was saying. The Master is here and they have a TARDIS.’

‘So what do we do?’ Ashildr looked around, hoping that someone had an answer. She’d never encountered the Master in her long life (at least, not that she was aware of), and Heather hadn’t either, based on her silence on the matter.

‘Well, he can’t be up to any good,’ Clara said. ‘So we need to stop him.’

‘Ah yes, the five gays of Pluto. How are we going to stop him?’ Bill asked, water dripping from her hands, out of her notice.

Heather nudged her girlfriend gently, taking a hold of her hand. ‘You’re dripping.’

Bill glanced down to her side, her eyes widening when she realised that she was, in fact, dripping water all over the surface of Pluto.

‘You’re a genius!’ Bill exclaimed, kissing Heather before turning to her newfound space gay friends. ‘We’ve all got assets, right? Like Heather and me, we’ve got funky atomic rearrangement powers.’

‘I’m experienced with guns, swords, and all sorts of weapons and martial arts,’ Ashildr offered.

Jack held up his vortex manipulator. ‘I’ve got this cool baby and a sonic blaster. Shh, don’t tell Daddy.’

Despite the gravity of the situation, Jack’s remark had elicited laughs from the rest of his new teammates.

‘I… am really clever and basically the girl power Doctor?’ Clara said. ‘I was able to take over for him on Earth.’

Cogs turned in all of their hands as they thought of a way to break into the Master’s TARDIS and hopefully stop whatever it was he was up to.

‘Okay, so here’s the plan…’

* * *

In hindsight, the plan was probably a bit too ambitious. Bill and Clara snuck around in search of an entrance, while Jack, Heather, and Ashildr waited for their chance to get in and ambush the Master. At last, Clara found it – a cluster of rocks that gave way to what appeared to be a staircase going to nowhere. But as soon as Clara stepped on the first step, she found herself in the Master’s TARDIS.

‘Bloody hell,’ Bill exclaimed as she watched Clara enter the TARDIS. ‘This was  _ not _ the plan!’

She turned back, her face settling into a deadpan expression as she saw Jack, Heather, and Ashildr trying (and failing) to look inconspicuous.

‘You’re not fooling anyone. Now come on!’

Bill went into the Master’s TARDIS, the other three following suit. She widened her eyes in wonder as she took in the sight of yet another new TARDIS. Sleek black walls with white roundels, the general colour scheme matching the wall’s black. The console was grey, with the time rotor red. From a hallway, Clara exited, a grave look on her face.

‘We need to go back.’

‘What? We just got here,’ Ashildr said.

Clara shook her head grimly. ‘This is the Master’s TARDIS, but I don’t think he’s on it. I have a very bad feeling about this.’

‘A TARDIS is big though,’ Jack argued. ‘He could be anywhere!’

‘No. Trust me,’ Clara said. Ashildr hadn’t seen her this grim in so long. It was unnerving. Finally, Bill nodded.

‘She’s right. If the Master – Missy – whoever it is – isn’t on the TARDIS, then they’re up to no good. They’re up to something. We need to get out while we can.’

They broke out in a sprint out of the Master’s TARDIS and back to where they came from. To the restaurant. Clara sighed in relief when she saw it looking the same as when they’d come in –

The back door opened, and if Clara’s blood had been circulating, then it would have run cold.

‘Hello,’ a man said. He had a manic grin terrifying enough to scare even a Dalek or a Cyberman away. ‘It’s so very nice to meet you fellow wanderers in the fourth dimension.’

If had he been anyone else, Jack would have liked to seduce his way into this guy’s pants; get down and dirty for a night of all sorts of things like choking. But if he was exactly who Jack thought he was, then he’d be perfectly fine with settling for the other kind of choking – the fatal kind.

‘Who the hell are you?’ Ashildr asked.

The man smiled. ‘I’m the Master. I’m a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. Or I was. It’s all gone now. Dust! They deserved it.’

‘What are you doing in my TARDIS?’ Clara demanded. ‘What have you done to him?!’

‘I just made things sexier,’ he said nonchalantly. He smiled manically as on the counter, trays of all sorts of exotic and strange ingredients materialised. ‘And if you want to escape with your lives, you’re going to have to play my game.’

Bill, Heather, Jack, Clara, and Ashildr exchanged nervous glances. Bill turned back to the Master.

‘Fine. How do we play?’

‘I’m glad you asked! Welcome – to the Great Plutonian Bake Off!’

‘Oh hell no,’ Clara said under her breath.


	3. The Great Plutonian Bake Off: Let's Get This Bread!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The realisation gripped Clara as they turned around from their huddle, only to see that the Master had transformed Clara and Me’s restaurant into a replica of the tent from the Great British Baking Show. The Master himself was dressed as Mary Berry. Bill and Clara gave him deadpan stares as they took in his choice of attire.
> 
> ‘What? I was a woman for a few centuries. Regeneration takes some time for adjustment.’

‘Your first challenge will be the signature challenge. Mm, I’m excited for this,’ the Master said, ignoring the glares that the Space Gays were giving him. ‘We’re going to start with something simple. Earthly. Bread! Whoever makes the worst bread dies!’

‘Could we have a moment to discuss, please?’ Clara said.

The Master narrowed his eye at her. ‘Why?’

‘Just. Can we?’

‘Fine, whatever. Five minutes.’

The Master stalked off to the console room.

‘We need to fight back,’ Ashildr said.

‘He might’ve compromised the console room,’ Clara said. ‘Whether we want to or not, we’re going to have to bake.’

Bill looked slightly panicked. ‘Did anyone else notice the part when he said whoever bakes the worst  _ dies _ ?’

‘That’s not a problem considering we’re all immortal, right?’ Jack asked.

Clara mulled it over in her head. One on hand, they’d all get out of it alive. Sure, maybe they’d feel pain when they died. But it would be temporary. Then there was the fact that she technically  _ wasn’t _ dead nor immortal, just stuck between one heartbeat and the next. She touched the side of her neck subconsciously. There was no heartbeat. There never was.

‘Clara,’ Ashildr’s voice pulled her out of her reverie. Her face was grim. ‘We’ve come up with a plan.’

‘Me will go out first,’ Bill said. ‘That way, she can work to repair the TARDIS and get us out of this situation. Then Heather will go. She’s well-adept at our freaky atom stuff, so she can manipulate the situation. Jack will go after that and Heather will be able to bring him to wherever we’re hiding out. Then it’s just. Do you want to win?’

‘Yes. I have to. Otherwise, it’ll create a big paradox,’ Clara said. ‘If I die before my proper death… who knows what’ll happen?’

Bill nodded. ‘Sorted, then.’

The realisation gripped Clara as they turned around from their huddle, only to see that the Master had transformed Clara and Me’s restaurant into a replica of the tent from the Great British Baking Show. The Master himself was dressed as Mary Berry. Bill and Clara gave him deadpan stares as they took in his choice of attire.

‘What? I was a woman for a few centuries. Regeneration takes some time for adjustment.’

Clara didn’t comment any further on it, too busy dwelling on her current plight.

Even though her friends would likely fail on purpose, she had to win. And she couldn’t bake anything – not even a souffle.

For the first time since the gravity of her decision on the trap street finally weighed down on her, Clara Oswald felt completely and utterly screwed.

* * *

Bill Potts had to think fast and think clearly. The challenge had started, and Ashildr was already busy pretending to bake whilst doing some telephatic stuff with her TARDIS to break the Master’s control of it just enough to let her into the room she needed to be in most. Clara was right – the Master had in fact tampered with the TARDIS, transforming it into a paradox machine. If Bill had to guess what the Master intended to do, she would’ve guessed that he wanted to cause chaos with the two other Masters she’d faced with the Doctor.

Which brought her back to the whole reason she needed to think clearly. Her mind was in a haze; she was filled with anger just thinking about the Master and how unapologetically he’d isolated her and converted her into a Cyberman. Of course, it had ended rather well given the circumstances – she’d gotten to travel around with Heather and now had friends in her fellow former companions/queer immortals – but still. She’d waited for a Doctor who didn’t arrive. The Master had done all he could to crush her hope, and now here he was, cannibalising her new friends’ ship and forcing them to play a version of one of her favourite shows where the reward was not suffering a temporary albeit painful death.

The Master had been walking around, finally stopping in front of Bill’s station. She looked up from her mixing to give him an icy glare.

‘What do you want?’

‘Can’t I greet an old friend?’ the Master asked, laughing. ‘It’s been quite a long time, Bill Potts.’

‘I’d’ve been well off never seeing you again,’ she said. ‘Now shut up and let me pretend I’m beating you instead of this batter.’

‘Ooh, kinky. I’d forgotten just how much I liked you,’ he smiled.

‘She’s taken,’ Heather said airily, leaving the floor below the Master wet as she passed by. The Master slipped and fell on himself, and the others looked on with triumph. Ashildr and Clara exchanged glances. Any minute now, he’d be collecting their dishes.

While the Master attempted to regain his dignity, Heather ensured that everyone but Ashildr’s bread looked good – that way, there was no way that the Master could foil their plan.

‘Alright, time’s up!’ the Master announced. ‘Bring me your bread!’

Bill’s heart raced as one by one, they brought their bread up to be judged. The Master seemed to be taking sadistic pleasure in his attempts to instill fear in them, pointing out all the flaws in everyone’s bread as if he were an expert on the matter. Bill had to stop herself from laughing at the mental image of Missy and the Masters wearing cute chef’s hats and frilly pink aprons and baking friendship cupcakes for the Doctor.

Things went by in a blur, and suddenly Bill was bringing up her own bread, ignoring the Master’s feedback, because if anyone in this room was an expert on bread, it was her. She wasn’t just a chips server – on the side, she enjoyed cooking for herself.

Her thoughts kept her distracted as the Master shot Ashildr, laughing in glee. Thankfully, he didn’t notice as Ashildr faded into the TARDIS’ surface.

Onto round two.


End file.
